When a child dies, families mourn and begin the long process of bereavement. The many different emotions often experienced by bereaved families include shock, disbelief, sadness, loneliness, depression, fear, anger, regret, guilt, despair, and personal loss. These feelings are all part of the emotional reaction called “grief.” Feelings of grief may be overwhelmingly intense, and each family member may approach them differently. Some tend to keep feelings inside, while others are able to express their grief easily and openly.

The Compassionate Friends

The Compassionate Friends® (TCF) is a self-help support organization which has a mission to assist bereaved families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive.

The secret of The Compassionate Friends is simple: As seasoned grievers reach out to the newly bereaved, energy that has been directed inward begins to flow outward, and both are helped to heal.

Membership

The Compassionate Friends is open to all families that have experienced the death of a child from any cause, at any age, from pre-birth to adulthood. The term “member” is used loosely by TCF—there are no individual membership dues or fees of any kind.

The Compassionate Friends is funded by voluntary gifts from individuals, donations from the business and philanthropic communities, annual membership fees and patron donations from chapters, and by TCF Foundation, established to accept larger donations in support of TCF, Inc. Since The Compassionate Friends is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization, all donations are tax-deductible.

The Compassionate Friends has no religious affiliation, although many local chapters do meet in church facilities.

The National Organization

Much of the work of The Compassionate Friends national organization takes place in the Oak Brook, Illinois, National Office, where a small administrative staff supports the executive director. More than 30 TCF-created brochures, as well as the quarterly TCF national magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone®, are available through the office.

In addition to providing assistance in the formation of new chapters, TCF's National Office offers numerous support services for existing chapters. A complete leadership website is maintained by the national organization to support the volunteers involved with local chapters, as well as a network of regional coordinators (RCs) who work with the chapters. The national organization also provides chapter leadership training programs around the country. The Compassionate Friends holds a national conference each year that attracts as many as 1,500 participants and includes additional leadership training for chapter volunteers and regional coordinators.

The Compassionate Friend’s national website is a source not only of comfort for bereaved families, but also of information for both the public and TCF members. The website includes the Online Support Community (OSC) program, with volunteer trained moderators, designed to provide a nonjudgmental online support atmosphere for those wishing to talk about their grief. The Online Support Community is an example of how volunteers within The Compassionate Friends play an important role nationally as well as locally. Available without charge by subscription from the website is The Compassionate Friend’s e-newsletter, which provides information on current activities going on within the organization.

The most important activity in the office, however, is that of responding to the thousands of calls, letters, and e-mails received each year from bereaved families or their friends, and professionals, seeking solace and guidance. Each one is answered individually by a staff member.

In 1997, The Compassionate Friends initiated an annual Worldwide Candle Lighting® and has made it a gift to the bereavement community. The Compassionate Friends invites allied organizations and all people around the globe to join hearts in this meaningful event, held each year on the second Sunday of December, by lighting candles at 7 P.M. in their local time zone to honor all children who have died . . . that their light may always shine®.

An annual Walk to Remember® is sponsored and held the final day of each national conference, where up to 1,500 family members and friends walk in remembrance of all children whose lives have been cut short.

 The Local Chapter

The Compassionate Friends reaches individuals through 600 local chapters, each made up of parents and other family members who have been bereaved for various lengths of time. The more seasoned chapter members volunteer in leadership roles, helping and comforting newly bereaved members.

Chapters are found in small towns and in large cities. Ethnic backgrounds as well as economic circumstances of members vary widely. Monthly chapter meetings range in size from just a few people to more than a hundred; chapter meetings with larger attendance break up into smaller sharing groups. Chapters regularly publish newsletters, maintain lending libraries, provide telephone support, and conduct remembrance programs and other activities at no charge to members.

In conjunction with the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a large number of chapters hold memorial services. Many chapters also sponsor concurrent walks on the same day as the national Walk to Remember. A number of chapters also sponsor teams in the Friends Asking Friends® virtual walk, a fundraising program that supports TCF programs on a national as well as a local level.

The Chapter Meeting

Sharing with others is the very heart of TCF chapter meetings. Chapter meetings are havens where members feel free to talk about their children who have died; the emotions they are going through; the painful, thoughtless comments that may have been made to them; their feelings of sadness, guilt, or anger—subjects no one else wants to hear them talk about. They discuss the progress they are making and ways of coping that have been helpful to them.

With the guidance and reassurance of members who are farther along in their grief journey, gradually— sometimes over a period of many months or several years—members learn how to survive what has happened, find a “new normal,” and begin to rebuild their lives.

The Compassionate Friends is not a therapy group, nor are chapter meetings “therapy” sessions. Yet healing is slowly and gently promoted as families gain insight into and understanding of the grief process. At chapter meetings members learn they are not alone in facing this terrible tragedy—others have also faced the isolation and desperation the loss of a child can bring.

Families that feel they are coping effectively with their loss, as well as those discouraged by a lack of progress, find attending meetings to be helpful. While there are no instant solutions, no easy answers, and no timetable for grieving, there is comfort in the sense of direction found through knowledge and understanding of the grief experience. Bereaved families are able to find hope, healing, and the will to survive.

Origin and Growth

The Compassionate Friends was founded in England in 1969 by Reverend Simon Stephens, a newly ordained assistant chaplain at the Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital. Through the deaths of two young boys at the hospital, their parents met, and a meaningful friendship developed.

Reverend Stephens saw the special way these parents were able to help one another. Concluding that they were better support to one another than he could ever be, Simon Stephens worked with them to form an organization that would offer support and understanding to other bereaved parents throughout the United Kingdom.

The first TCF chapter in the United States was organized in Miami, Florida, in 1972. Incorporated in 1978 as a nonprofit organization, The Compassionate Friends has grown to include chapters in nearly 600 communities throughout the country with chapters in all 50 United States plus Washington, D.C., and Puerto Rico. The Compassionate Friends has a presence in approximately 30 countries around the world, making it the largest self-help bereavement organization in existence today.

©2008 The Compassionate Friends, USA - All rights reserved. These materials are protected by U.S. copyright and are provided here for personal use only. Reproduction for mass distribution or for use on any website is prohibited.

TCF brochures may be purchased at a nominal cost through The Compassionate Friends by calling 877-969-0010 or by going to the Resource Section of The Compassionate Friends national website.